okay i feel horrid for not updating but there is JUST NO TIME anymore!!! The days have been flying past faster than A's did ahahha. In a nutshell, after Music A's (ie. last paper) there was SATS, choir chalet, my Singing Diploma, harried days of prom prep, PROM, "post-prom", meeting up with dearly beloved(s) and now I'm flying off to New Zealand. More updates + photos after I return, but oh god that'll be Christmas time and who has time at Christmas......

I like how I'm so self-assuming that people still read this blog hahahaha

Ohmygod uni apps are making me sweat with nervessss. I've never before felt insecure of my writing, till now. Would any (willing) kind soul out there do me the favour of reading 1 or 2 of them for me? Drop me an sms/email/tweet if you will D'8

blearghhhh i am on an emotional roller coaster - not one of those heavy dreary ones I seem to be on in all the posts below, mind you, just a random onslaught of confusing alternating moods. I sound like I'm pmsing hahaha but I'm not I swear my ovaries were very kind to me in this exam period

HAPPY: My JC tardy lo's arrived yesterday!! Got them off Nasty Gal for an amazing deal and well everyone knows I love my shoes so that was brill

STRESSED: Spent last night worrying about my double papers today, like literally close-to-tears-worrying my sis got so freaked out cos she said she's never seen me stressed before hahahah goes to show something innit

NERVOUS: This morning, obviously

HAPPY: Post-Lit paper mood - it was a pretty good paper IMO, not as weird as Paper1 but tbh I don't know if that's to my advantage. I actually liked paper 1 just that it's a bitch doing odd, unconventional questions and not knowing if you were on the right path. Paper 5 today was like the other extreme..

OPTIMISTIC-NERVOUS: Preparing for econs in the 2hr break and taking the actual damn paper

HORRIFIED: Long story short it was a terrible paper hahahaha

HIGHHHHHH: Liberation la hello the worst is officially over; music's 10 days away

HORRIFIED: Ya 10mins ago Kent just told me that quantitative easing meant a whole different thing which means that I'm officially fucked for econs


Don't really know what to expect for anything anymore sigh. It's so not true that A's are easier than your school papers if you're in a good school Cambridge is just raising the bloody bar every year. I know we have taken up a good many spots in your most prestigious schools, but honestly couldn't you show mercy for just a few papers..? I don't even plan to study in the UK )':

back to a time when troubles were trivial please

I don't know what to do anymore everytime I think things are finally going well you just have to go and mess everything up. I'm so tired of all the screaming and crying I think I've finally exhausted all my hatred for you. Don't think I've never considered just ending everything before; but I'm just so, so tired. I want to run away and never come back. I don't love either of you anymore and this time I'm so sure of it it's scary. All my life I've been trying so incredibly hard to please you why can't you ever see that.

SO I TURNED EIGHTEEN

And i have lovely lovely friends who celebrated for me on both friday and saturday, followed by a buffet @ Carnivore that basically threw my diet off track~ Not that it was working but..

tbh I'm quite embarrassed of most of the photos HAHAHA cos I'm megamega red even though I swear I was not drunk. Like, at all. And idk i think it was the night air or something but I started getting really lian-looking and my hair isnt looking all that great so... 8D

Art Gallery Opening tonight was pretty kool. Love all my talented beautiful friends (yes beautiful does apply to bq and ari too) and it's just 1 more month or so before I can declare myself free.

Also, I am in a very "It's complicated" love-hate relationship with my fringe (or lack thereof). Like... why does it only look fabulous at home...........

I DONT WANNA GRADUATE i take it all back i love hwachong so so much all the friends i've made all the enemies i've had the pleasure of not personally meeting all the drama all the fun all the photos all the stress all the mustard brown all the bad jokes all the dirty jokes all the dissing all the bad food all the tauhuey all the math remedials all the music all the overseas trips all the love i wanna graduate but stay here just a little bit longer

They scream
the worst things in life come free to us
Cos we're all under the upper hand
go mad for a couple grams
we don't wanna go outside tonight

And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
for angels to fly;

i swear. the most beautiful song i've ever heard. absolutely in love

Disappointment. In friends, in results, in myself. But mostly myself.

Sometimes I think how easy it would be to just walk out onto the road at that opportune moment and just be rid of everything.

I call you but you're not home
I can't seem to talk to you anymore
You wouldn't understand

Feels like I'm losing the 2 people I thought I could count on my entire life. I've never felt so alone before.

There are so many bigger problems and worries happening out there in the world, and I have the fucking nerve to feel miserable for myself. Talk about being a selfish piece of shit.

few photos from june when i went to RRRR to study with my clarababy~

Massive spammage of photos on my fb last night cos of Manda+Clara+Me hahahahaha aww i love photos. These last few days have been such pure unadulterated fun i think my wee little soul went on overload so i went to bed with a massive headache last night. Flea on saturdayyy, meeting Clara + the MEP girls @ Clarke Quay to celebrate Hannah's birthday on monday, then food-ing & exploring dhoby w/ Manda yesterday HOOWEEE I AM TUCKERED OUT. I love being in/from an all-girls' school. I say it all the time but I really would give anything to go back to St Nicks.

On the topic of Hannah's birthday though.. I would really like to spend my 18th in a little bar with a few close friends too ! Nothing fancy, just a little low-key gathering with heels, eyeliner and some light alcohol. Would be nice. Don't think any of my SN/HC friends would be up for that though; I think this year's gonna be a quiet forget-me-please stay-in at home since school officially ends on the 12th. Ah well.

In other news, I have decided to go fringeless ! I think it's one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my whole life but it's okay, trying new things every now and again SHAPES CHARACTER. And anyway if it's still this ugly by prom i'll just snip it off and go back to my reliable bangs. My identifier........

I quote my dear junior: "NEW HAIR, NEW SEASON"

BRING ON THE MUGGING BITCHEZ

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER BOTHERED TO UPLOAD A VIDEO

KEEPING TRUE TO MY WORDS AND TWEETING/BLOGGING ONLY IN CAPS TODAY OH GOD I LOVE THIS NEW VIDEO SO SO MUCH I'VE ALREADY WATCHED IT 20 TIMES TODAY ZAYN IS FKING SEXY NIALL IS SO ADORABLY AWKWARD

AND

HARRY IS THE MOST GORGEOUS PERSON ON EARTHHHHHH

YEH IM A FANGURRRL ISNT LIFE GREAT

THIS IS SO STRANGE WHY AM I RACKING UP SO MANY VIEWS NOWADAYS ESPECIALLY 11 VIEWS EVERY NIGHT AROUND 11PM. Creepy.................

On a slightly happier and less creepy note, I am feeling mucho better from yesterday ! h2h with chanty was so effective im still reeling from it~~ Went home and cut up tshirts to make tank tops hahahahaha i am lame... And because i was feeling deserving of a break today and everyone i know still has papers to go i went ahead to bother joel so we went to American Club and i was a posh american expat for a day whoopee. I miss the American Club the last time i went there i was 8/9 and bffs with this angmoh girl in my street called Amanda too. And look at me now.. such a recluse that half my neighbours always get shocked when they find out that little old Brandon Chai has NOT ONE BUT TWO SISTERS.

But anyway enough of that I just made another date with my other Manda so yayyy can't wait for that ! I am clearly a needy person in need of love from my friends.......... i talk too much.

SO YES, WHOEVER THE 11 READERS ARE WHO ONLY STRIKE AT 11PM, HELLO TO YOU.

Many times I complain about the people in my life, my friends who don't show me enough care and concern, the shit that seems to happen only to me. But really, I don't know what I'd do without all these lovely people I'm so privileged to call my friends in my life; I really don't know where I'd be today. I don't know how many times today I almost started crying right there in public, not because math absolutely destroyed me, but because everyone was being so sweet and comforting me and basically just letting me know I AM NOT ALONE. Just makes me want to, no, have to work even harder so I won't let anyone down.

If you're out there somewhere reading this embarrassing post I love you all, my friends; you make life beautiful.

Parents never understand anything.

I am so hopeless I swear. Even at this (LATE) stage in my life I'm still getting distracted by little things like spending hours trawling fashion blogs and Youtube hauls. What is wrong with me?! Honestly what a terrible time to be getting into fashion. But while I'm at it, I just have to say that I think my wardrobe is in dire need of a severe revamping. And shoes have seriously become my biggest weakness. It's disgusting. God knows where I'll even wear all the different shoes I'm currently lusting after, given my 14-year old looks and stature, but... GOSH. No words.

Stumbled upon 2 local fashion bloggers - one's really pretty and the other has wicked wit. Not that they're mutually exclusive but.. ah, heck. >>>>

jemmawei.com
1blog2lives.com

If anyone who's reading this is remotely interested in fashion and impeccably beautiful girls and clothes, I also recommend checking out

• anouskaproettabrandon.com
• anetaaneta.blogspot.com
• moonriver.blogspot.com

and sunbeamsjess and fashionrocksmysocks and clothesencounters on youtube. Lovely lovely girls. 

I really love Brit accents. So sunbeamsjess and fashionrocksmysocks are my ultimate go-tos. Anouska has a bewitching Irish accent too. Ta, the beautiful life of a beauty vlogger. 

Was it really just this may that I was in Europe, soaking in love and music and the carefree abandon of yesteryear?

Naw, must have been dreaming.

'Who is this young man? Andriy feels an urge to put his arm around him, but he holds back, as you would hesitate to wake a sleepwalker, for fear that the sudden shock of reality would break his heart.'

I am so tired of all this pleasing and acting I have to do why are boys so much more complicated than they're made out to be why can't things ever just remain platonic I am so sick of having everyone I love become like this I don't want to have to keep pushing people away; I just want to go back to St Nicks.

Been reading *******'s blog and formspring -i dont even know her but wtheck- and I realise what a fucking waste my life and time have been thus far. I need to start getting back on track and working my butt off if I really want to go to the US and escape all this madness and start "fresh" and just be happy. 

Kinda miserable because

1) I can't catch Walk Off The Earth performing in Sg this thursday
2) Fighting a losing battle with my parents over vacationing with friends after A's

(1) is really getting to me though. Just when I found a band I really, really like that isn't too cookiecutter mainstream pop (heehee but i still love my 1D boys), I can't find anyone to go with plus it's a bit steep for a concert by a cover band. Is my music taste honestly that bizarre?! ):

I wonder if people in America will judge me for never having been in a relationship before. Ho hum.

ohmaigahd i need to stop doing this to myself !!!1 What's absolutely killing me about this pair though is that it's crazy cheap (USD23 WHAT A STEAL OMFGGG) but there's no international shipping !!! NOOOOO. Can any kind American soul out there offer to help me collect and then ship it over D: I am so willing to pay an additional shipping fee for these lovelies oh god. I'm becoming such a shoe whore gah.

National Day celeb w/ the Hwachies today and it was actually much more enjoyable than i expected ! The class was lovely; we played contact during the boring parts and sang+swayed along during choir's item. Watching the juniors onstage made me miss choir so much, just so, so much. Singing jia1 with them at the end; oh god I was this close to tears. I realise today that despite all my complaining about HC, I am just so grateful to have been able to be part of the rioHC experience, to find friends who truly love me unconditionally and who are always there. To any juniors reading this, I sincerely wish all of you the very best and hope that at the end of your rioHC journey, you can look back and see the smiling faces of your fellow choristers and know that you too are looking at your family.

I missed SN a hell lot too - SN national day celebs are always super high and familial-ish, what with all the oldgirls coming back all the time and the enthu singing/screaming of all the old favs (Where I Belong, We Will Get There, Home). I guess there's a small part of me that's gonna miss all of this love (for a country I do not have citizenship to HAHAHA) if I really do go overseas after A's. I'll definitely miss all the singing.

Got my dose of sn love when we went out afterwards for Gen's traditional birthday-celeb-in-the-wilderness outing. Gardens By The Bay this time ! There was a little disagreement at first and I swear her whole class hates me but god knows why I don't even know who the bloody hell they are but yeah anyway we made a bridge and got over it so yay. Waffletown for lunch (chicken and waffles!!!!) then the scorching excursion through GBTB which looked creepily like the set of War Of The Worlds, then a little shopping ($5 BROGUES I AM AWESOME RIGHT) and finally coldstone yummm ^^ I am so fat and gross hooray !

Umm the reason I don't string boys along is cos I don't want to.

I have so much on my mind lately it's driving me crazy. Especially because most of it is about uni apps and all that jazz. Whoever's reading this is probably sick to death of my constant posts/tweets about my whole uni situation and I think the whole friggin world knows I want to go to US. But everything's just such a big jumble in my head and I've been researching like crazy on the different unis, state safety levels, social life, essays, fees, EVERY BLEEDING DAMN THING I am just... inarticulate now. I don't know if I'm prioritising wrongly at the moment, esp with my math & econs grades being so amazingly shitty and prelims lurking around the corner but it seems like there's so little time left for applications too. I'm just so scared that at the end of the day I won't get into the uni of my choice(s), or I won't be able to finance my way through (esp if I don't get a scholarship), or even worse my grades don't get me anywhere and I'll end up being another pseudo-stopthepretence bemoaning my sad life story on a public platform. (No offence intended whatsoever; I actually pity her cos I don't think she intended for her thoughts to just become so viral)

And it's stupid that I'm whining so much now when the simplest thing to do is just sit down, screw my head back on and hit the damn books. But then again, I've always been a disgusting worrier so I'd probably just go mad from the combined mugging + worrying about uni apps + not doing anything to relieve said worries. Oh god I'm a mess.

Inserting a random photo from the lit trip last year so this place won't be so wordy.

Gosh it seems like ages ago that I was whining (again) on this blog about the chances of not being selected to go on the lit trip and my fierce need to go to UK. I miss uk like mad; surprisingly it ranks higher than the choir trip to Ireland. That said though, I'd never study in uk, I just don't think I'm suited for that kind of learning environment. Hence, america.

IT IS 12:31 I HAVE BEEN WEARING MY CONTACTS FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG AHHHHHH

Been googling and I'm finally gonna start on my common app essay ! I want to go to US so, so badly.

I have gotten a very recent, very bizarre fetish for shoes - the quirkier the better. Esp Jeffrey Campbells/ platforms with chunky wooden heels. CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME THOSE ^ ): I'd get them myself but I recently blew 80 pretty ones on a pair from Nasty Gal~~ Eek omg so excited I can't wait for them to arrive !!!! I want to own all the shoes in the world.........................

Maybe then I'll be able to forget about all my shittyshittyittybitty grades

I'm doing really shittily for lit this is so so so depressing

Stumbled upon a lookbook-esque website called chictopia.com where the clothes and the models are all to-die-for. And they're not even models, they're just like regular bloggers who do OOTDs and all that jazz. Could have spent hours clicking and saving but I tell myself I have better things to do with my life... Here are a few of the prettier ones I really liked:

HER SHUZ

Music's finally over ! Glad that's done, even though my program + composition were incomplete aish. On to having a bit of fun before diving back into it all over again ):

I actually think not many people can find me now since I've changed my url but maybe that's for the better.

I've got one bleedin paper left and I know I should be grateful that I'm given so much time to prepare for it but honestly, 4 more days of housebound math+I&I WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME. Keep getting distracted and watching more youtubers again lalala~

And speaking of youtube, Joel finally uploaded the cover we did over the june hols. HAHA I kept rewatching it the night it went up but now I'm too embarrassed to click it again - I seem to sound and look worse with every progressive listen.. But yes anyway I'm glad to have gotten the chance to do that and to be honest, I'm pretty pleased that it's generating so much positivity from my friends :) Especially my sn girls oh gosh I miss them so.

In other news, I reactivated my twitterrrrrrr. @shlapstick is and will forever be legen-waitforit-dary teehee. Voice (and more math, ugh.) tomorrow and then I'll be spending my entire day at NY composing and then finally FINALLY IT WILL BE THURSDAY. Fingers crossed the paper will go well so I can go to ion with gen afterwards guilt-free. Gonna treat myself to one of the Topshop lipsticks I've been eyeing the past few weeks ^^ No I don't wear makeup but I do fancy introducing a bit of colour to my lips every now and then, so yes.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOOOOOOOL

I changed my blog add cos I found out all my bloody relatives in Malaysia are stalking me and reporting me back to my parents. That is so fucking lowlife I cannot even. So yes, let's see how you guys find me now.

On a (twisted) brighter note, I can now swear the living daylights out of me without fearing for my life!

I DONT WANNA STUDY ANYMORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Econs today and gp+lit yesterday I AM DONE I TELL YOU. Math and music... can just go and screw themselves. Sigh. The only thing I want to do tomorrow is spam primark haul videos on youtube (since I can't primark here in Sg might as well watch someone else do it for me right?) with my little bowl of laoban tauhuey...............

Some Nights by Fun is so.. revolutionary HAHAHA that's the only adjective I can think of cos of its music video. And the singer is surprisingly incredibly sexy. I like men who can sing.

The thought of having to repeat this entire torturous process 2 more times....

Living life through Instagram. Like everyone else

koped from Manda; shopping district in Ireland <3

 Yuxin: when art meets gp

comm interviews

Hilaryhoney @ SN Homecoming

 My right hand is light purple heeee

Meggy <3

Ikea lunch w/ the Mysterious Musician

Studying so much recently I think I'm burning out ! Haha...? 313 tomorrow with Da Chais; can't wait for next week - stj + fc outing + BANGKOK ! Gloryyyyyy.

HAWLIDAZE HAVE BEGUN. I've actually been dreading the june hols, cos of all the studying and revision ahead that I'm totally unprepared for. I'm actually doing time tunnel as we speak, just to exemplify how much backlog homework I have. And there's Lit paper (I) tomorrow GAK !!!

I miss choir so muchhhh. I miss Belgium & Ireland and the weather and the food and the atmosphere and the scenery and the shopping and the people and ALL THE SINGING. Oh god why do I have to be j2 ): Thinking back now, all I can do is slap myself for all those wasted times that I could have spent with the choir people, instead of griping about them having one-dimensional lives and all that ridiculous sourgrape bullshit. UGH I take it all back, if I could I'd spend every waking moment with choir now.

Some CSM photos cos I think everyone's pretty sick of my 4 consecutive choir albums on fb HAHA~~

A10 <3<3

Voices in Flight was great though, just sayin.

I miss Belgium and Ireland so so bad.

Posted randomly selected photos from other people's albums cos I've already viewed and re-viewed my own a million times over

It's concert next week, then Arts Feste, then elections, and then we'll officially step down. Ohmygod my heart aches at the very thought. Can't believe I ever felt little passion or love for rioHC when now all I want is for it to remain my whole life forever.

Everytime I try to think of how to articulate my post-FO2 feelings about fac comm I just start tearing up. I know I can be an extremely unpleasant bitch to work with a lot of the time, especially when I tend to misinterpret people's intentions/tones over texting, and I really do apologise to everyone for that (esp my dear fellow I/Cs Cheese & Yong Xiang). Thank you fac comm for always putting up with me and humouring me and comforting me when I'm stressed trying to juggle choir & fc, and though I may not be very close to most of you, I still feel that at the end of the day, we are family. You guys are one of my most fun and diverse families, and I just wanted to say that FO wasn't the last event, nor will Sentosa be; when you have friends as close and dear to your heart as all 16 of you, you don't have last events.

I WILL STOP ALL THIS ANGST I PROMISE

everyone prefers a nice chai right ):

Doing a mini photospam today to

1) Distract me from swearing away cos my mum continuously tells me what a failure I am (and I can't swear now cos her pathetic middle-aged friends actually stalk me and report my writings to her omgz?)

2) Get the sudden intense longing for a return to an all-girls environment out of my system

I think I make it a point (often annoyingly) to convey to the rest of the world how much I miss St. Nicks but recently it's hit me harder than usual. I miss the purity of SN, the strangely complete lack of bitching/backstabbing/judging, the carefree behaviour and way everyone just tosses their pinafores around, the fooooooooood, and well. I dont know. The open honest manner everyone adopts cos there are no boys around to impress.

hideous were we 4

whoa at my virgin flea hahaha LOOK AT ME NOW

kay lah obviously I have shitloads more but I'm too lazy to slowly filter through each album. Plus blogger takes damn long to load so.

Didn't get to go for Free Cones Day today ):