So many things bogging down my mind recently I can barely find the time to even key in blogger.com into my search bar.

It's becoming quite ridiculous actually, how I'm starting to see blogging as an obligation these days when I'd always intended it as more of a respite.

Whatever, in other news, I'm busy as frark with my internship now - squeezing daily dinners in with multiple groups of friends is making me poor and exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly thankful to have this internship and it's (almost) exactly what I imagined and wanted it to be. It's just that it's becoming slightly mundane and I do miss the freedom and fun of Jan '13. Sighpiez. Just gonna stick it out for a while more then I'll focus on my playing, hehe. That said though, I think I'm gonna be really sad to leave when I do. I've come to feel quite at home with the Marketing bunch (yes o m f g MARKETING) and apart from becoming homiez with my fellow interns Jenny/Carine/Jasmine, I've really grown very fond of Cheryl ! Ha she's like my 2nd mum. Oh parting is such sweet sorrow.

And my schools, sigh. Blessed to have gotten into everything I wanted, but now being faced with the fact that my US dreams may never come true cos of $$$$$ is too heartbreaking to bear )': At a complete loss now - I feel so stuck and May 1st is looming disgustingly near.

SOMETIMES I JUST WISH LIFE WERE SIMPLE AND FUN AND DECISIONS WERE EASY AND I COULD BE EASILY CONTENTED AND HAPPY 4EVA

It is no secret that I stalk pretty girls more than the average jane should.

Sometimes I read their blogs and thank the Lord that life is fair and God is good because at the very least He very kindly blessed me with a decent command of grammar.

Most of the time I just ogle at their pretty photos and feel jealous.

It's funny how things change

I'm glad I woke up and finally realised how important Family is, and how much my own mean to me.
I don't want to be a burden to them anymore.
And even if that means giving up my US dream, sigh, I'll get over it eventually.


A strange eclectic selection of photos from CNY '13:

Every whisper, every sigh, eats away at this heart of mine;

Yesterday I fainted for the first time. Twice. Went out to punggol park/promenade to help a friend with a photography project and it came to a point where the heat was so bad and my ovaries weren't cooperating and I started to feel nauseous and then well, I just blacked out. Shock of my life when i came to and realised i was on the ground with my friends anxiously shaking me and asking "Ohmygod are you okay?!". Felt so queasy and gone that I had to just lie there on the tarmac walkpath asking gen to "please don't stop" patting my head so I wouldn't die, or something along those lines. When i got up to try and walk to the benches that were just up ahead, i barely took 3 more steps and collapsed again. It was scary no doubt, waking up and the first thing out of my lips was "Did i just fall again?". I had to lie there on the ground (a g a i n) with passersby cycling by but of course no one stopping to help, just staring; I thought i was gonna die, the day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. I wanted to cry but i had to keep weakly making semi-humorous comments cos the two of them were freaked out beyond anything and I didn't wanna be any more of a burden at that time. They had to take turns carrying me back to Popeyes where there was aircon to try and revive me a bit and the whole time I was half-crying, half-laughing. I'm sorry if i broke your backs guys, but thank you so much for making sure I didn't die out there. Good grief, like who wants to die in Punggol of all places.

So yeah, thought I'd just pen this down so I can come back one day in the future and remember how I almost died on 30/03/13, especially since I was still stubborn enough to go out for the 987fm rsvp party afterwards (in my defense it was work). Life has a funny way of doling out your wants, and no shit I got what i wanted when i wished for 2013 to be a year of firsts.

There are a million and one thoughts floating about in my head right now. Actually floating is too passive a word they're more like aggressively ricocheting around my cerebral hemisphere and eating away my subconscious and turning peace of mind into pieces of mind (ha.) I just want to sleep right now but I promised myself today would be Movie Me Day and so to keep myself awake i shall attempt to list down as many of these bugger thoughts as possible right now.

(mind, they are in no order of importance or anything at all bleargh)

1) When will my uni emails come in..... WHEN WHEN WHEN
2) No news is good news
3) I'm kinda glad we didn't work out
4) My eyelids feel goddamn heavy
5) I miss all my guy friends
6) Why didn't anyone ask me out today geez
7) I don't wanna go to work tomorrow
8) Fuck uni apps
9) My teeth are aching so bad
10) I want to shop
11) I miss my birthday
12) I wonder if pressing my teeth really hard with my thumbs will make the aching stop
13) What movie(s) should I watch today
14) Why is it so mofo hot
15) Shoes.
16) Can my girls please just confirm about the trip already I really wanna book the tickets fast
17) I hope we're having pizza tonight
18) I wonder if eating pizza will aggravate my teeth i hope not


Whatever

I can't believe you're just letting everything we had go. Letting 2 years of misunderstandings and lack of communication come between 4 years of incredible friendship. I just don't know where I went wrong, what I did wrong. Or maybe it was what I didn't do. I don't care what you ever thought, you have always been the most important person in my life to me, and now we're almost strangers. It's so scary to think that all the past years were one big mistake; that the memories of the last two years a lie. No one will ever understand what I'm feeling now. I don't just feel like I've lost a friend. I've lost a part of me. The fact that you're so unwilling to just take a step back, close an eyelid and reach out, makes it hurt all the more. What happened. I've cried out all my tears I feel so fucking empty. I've never felt more hopeless in my entire life. Maybe the problem was that we were too close for our own good to begin with.

I wish I meant even half to you of what you meant to me.

So much has happened since that last post that I don't wanna talk about any of it haha