I am so tired of all this pleasing and acting I have to do why are boys so much more complicated than they're made out to be why can't things ever just remain platonic I am so sick of having everyone I love become like this I don't want to have to keep pushing people away; I just want to go back to St Nicks.

Been reading *******'s blog and formspring -i dont even know her but wtheck- and I realise what a fucking waste my life and time have been thus far. I need to start getting back on track and working my butt off if I really want to go to the US and escape all this madness and start "fresh" and just be happy. 

Kinda miserable because

1) I can't catch Walk Off The Earth performing in Sg this thursday
2) Fighting a losing battle with my parents over vacationing with friends after A's

(1) is really getting to me though. Just when I found a band I really, really like that isn't too cookiecutter mainstream pop (heehee but i still love my 1D boys), I can't find anyone to go with plus it's a bit steep for a concert by a cover band. Is my music taste honestly that bizarre?! ):

I wonder if people in America will judge me for never having been in a relationship before. Ho hum.

ohmaigahd i need to stop doing this to myself !!!1 What's absolutely killing me about this pair though is that it's crazy cheap (USD23 WHAT A STEAL OMFGGG) but there's no international shipping !!! NOOOOO. Can any kind American soul out there offer to help me collect and then ship it over D: I am so willing to pay an additional shipping fee for these lovelies oh god. I'm becoming such a shoe whore gah.

National Day celeb w/ the Hwachies today and it was actually much more enjoyable than i expected ! The class was lovely; we played contact during the boring parts and sang+swayed along during choir's item. Watching the juniors onstage made me miss choir so much, just so, so much. Singing jia1 with them at the end; oh god I was this close to tears. I realise today that despite all my complaining about HC, I am just so grateful to have been able to be part of the rioHC experience, to find friends who truly love me unconditionally and who are always there. To any juniors reading this, I sincerely wish all of you the very best and hope that at the end of your rioHC journey, you can look back and see the smiling faces of your fellow choristers and know that you too are looking at your family.

I missed SN a hell lot too - SN national day celebs are always super high and familial-ish, what with all the oldgirls coming back all the time and the enthu singing/screaming of all the old favs (Where I Belong, We Will Get There, Home). I guess there's a small part of me that's gonna miss all of this love (for a country I do not have citizenship to HAHAHA) if I really do go overseas after A's. I'll definitely miss all the singing.

Got my dose of sn love when we went out afterwards for Gen's traditional birthday-celeb-in-the-wilderness outing. Gardens By The Bay this time ! There was a little disagreement at first and I swear her whole class hates me but god knows why I don't even know who the bloody hell they are but yeah anyway we made a bridge and got over it so yay. Waffletown for lunch (chicken and waffles!!!!) then the scorching excursion through GBTB which looked creepily like the set of War Of The Worlds, then a little shopping ($5 BROGUES I AM AWESOME RIGHT) and finally coldstone yummm ^^ I am so fat and gross hooray !

Umm the reason I don't string boys along is cos I don't want to.

I have so much on my mind lately it's driving me crazy. Especially because most of it is about uni apps and all that jazz. Whoever's reading this is probably sick to death of my constant posts/tweets about my whole uni situation and I think the whole friggin world knows I want to go to US. But everything's just such a big jumble in my head and I've been researching like crazy on the different unis, state safety levels, social life, essays, fees, EVERY BLEEDING DAMN THING I am just... inarticulate now. I don't know if I'm prioritising wrongly at the moment, esp with my math & econs grades being so amazingly shitty and prelims lurking around the corner but it seems like there's so little time left for applications too. I'm just so scared that at the end of the day I won't get into the uni of my choice(s), or I won't be able to finance my way through (esp if I don't get a scholarship), or even worse my grades don't get me anywhere and I'll end up being another pseudo-stopthepretence bemoaning my sad life story on a public platform. (No offence intended whatsoever; I actually pity her cos I don't think she intended for her thoughts to just become so viral)

And it's stupid that I'm whining so much now when the simplest thing to do is just sit down, screw my head back on and hit the damn books. But then again, I've always been a disgusting worrier so I'd probably just go mad from the combined mugging + worrying about uni apps + not doing anything to relieve said worries. Oh god I'm a mess.

Inserting a random photo from the lit trip last year so this place won't be so wordy.

Gosh it seems like ages ago that I was whining (again) on this blog about the chances of not being selected to go on the lit trip and my fierce need to go to UK. I miss uk like mad; surprisingly it ranks higher than the choir trip to Ireland. That said though, I'd never study in uk, I just don't think I'm suited for that kind of learning environment. Hence, america.

IT IS 12:31 I HAVE BEEN WEARING MY CONTACTS FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG AHHHHHH

Been googling and I'm finally gonna start on my common app essay ! I want to go to US so, so badly.